The first call with my book editor

“You want this to be good, right?”

I smiled into the camera, tea in hand, trying to still the flutter in my chest.
It was our first call since I’d submitted the manuscript—two years of writing, revising, second-guessing. The book. Out of my hands.

His face appeared in a square on my screen—a kind face. I was hopeful. I had to be.

About 10 minutes into the call, he said it.
“You want this to be good, right?”

It took me a moment to register the meaning behind the words.
Not a compliment. Not a reassurance.
Just a mirror held up.

You want this to be good. Meaning: it’s not good yet. Meaning: there’s work to do.

My heart sank. I smiled—automatically, brightly. My face, a mask. “Yes,” I said. “I definitely want this to be good.”

Luckily, it was evening when we hung up - no coaching calls with clients - as the storm of disappointment rumbled in and darkened both my head and heart. I let myself sleep on it and felt crappy the next day too. Luckily, by day two, I was over it.

And then—slowly—I began again.

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This wasn’t the first time I’d hit a wall with this book.
I first tried to write it ten years ago. I made it as far as a book proposal before I panicked seeing all the gaps I’d need to fill and put it away.

I see now why proposals are required for publishers. They’re not just administrative. They’re clarifying. Confronting. Like organic chemistry, which once nudged me off the path to medical school. Proposals separate the “might like to” from the “will do this no matter what.”

I was too afraid back then—too many reasons why not.

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What changed?

I accepted that the book was like life, a journey, not a destination. Yes, there may be milestones, but everything is a continuation, not a completion. I accepted that writing is a skill—one I needed to develop.

It was steep terrain. Still is. But something in me kept going.

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That Zoom call marked a turning point. Not because I was told the book wasn’t good enough, but because I chose to keep going anyway. Begin again. Edit. Rewrite. Deepen.

Not to get it perfect.
But to keep learning and working so I could make it good.